Losing a Grandparent for a Child with Trauma
Why did Grandma have to DIE?
My daughter is screaming at the top of her lungs as we are walking home from the park in my husbands small home town. My husband's mom has been sick with cancer for many months and suffered greatly, although she tried her best to hide it from the children. Death of a loved one is significant and very hard to process for even adults and neurotypical children. We are all sad and experiencing grief but in a very individual and collective way. We have all had different relationships and connections and the levels to which we can cope with loss. Our previous baggage, ie - experiences with loss and personal situations can dictate our experiences with emotions and grief. Grandma was a lovely person who wore her heart on her sleeve and cried often. She loved everyone she met and was always lovely and kind. She died at 63, far too young and really was sick the whole 10 years I knew her.
For a child with trauma, the emotions are heavy and intense. They are too much. She processes her pain with a three year old emotional brain(the age she was abused by her bio dad) in her preteen body.
Heart breaking to witness, my heart feels like it breaks. One word phrases...ice....help.....home and sign language become the new languages we are all learning to speak. There is no behaviour modification that works here. Empathy, understanding and age appropriate boundaries with a strict routine that is simple to follow. I take a deep breath and try to regulate my own body staying calm while my preteen melts before my eyes into a toddler, almost nonverbal. Rocking, cuddles, alone time, ice, these are some of the strategies that work for our family in the aftermath. She simply cannot cope running at an extremely low tolerance level it really is just a matter of time until she explodes if we don't find an outlet. Does your child rage and explode? Mine does sometimes daily, it comes in waves - it reminds me of the rollercoaster I cannot get off and I DIDN'T WANT TO GET ON! She hasn't run away in a long time, but that is something which is scary and challenging to deal with.
Choosing to focus on the positive and try to ignore the negative. Being grateful for the tiny moments like a hug, if you can get it. Sunshine and a peaceful meal. Not often, but I do believe seeing the blessings allows us to notice more good and that helps our mood and encourages our struggling child. It is a journey, not a sprint, but more like a marathon. Slow down and enjoy the moments you can, even if they are the literal minutes of moments in respite you take. Being in the moment is the only way I have really found joy and grace in my moments. So for now, we remember that it's okay to be sad, miss Grandma and cry, but it's not okay to hurt ourselves or the house. Wish me luck friends!